F.E.A.R. as the MInd Killer n Disease.

Thr is a time in yo life whn u can, n fully are, rightfully allowed, granted the pass to extol yself, albeit, it has nothing to do wiv showing off. Whtht I mean 'ere, howevea', is to speak bout yo achievements in an open manner, without a glimpse of hesitation [or selv-doubt] , 'cos 'ere comes the proof u r not mistaken, the proof of authority has been granted to y as a means of confirmation. it's time for others to adduce on you. N whn the time is high, it's for you to claim irrefutable. Dark, fetish, bourgeois, avant-guarde once u've become n formed yself into wht u always set your sights on of becomin to be. The nowism is the distracted vision of all your longings. Far flung better thn an epitome of your blck fathoms of the greatest, finest, most refined. it's you who makes the future, yours, tbprecise. I just wanna feel my life close to mee.

Despicably On The Malarkey.

Besides, I do despise you, but, as far as I know, that is already known for the wide audience. ONly 2 people make me feel like that. N by only two people I feel down as hell... 't sucks... fallin short of their expectations; doesn't matter I was accepted by two department, no it has not got even a slightest shade of significance... tell me, could u just tell me what was I to u? what u intended to do with me, with all that happenin? no, ofc not, never will I behold the truth, as if I was no impervious to it. fck that, n fck u. too. I'm sick n tired of all this pushing behaviour of yours trying, strugglin to foist all that Cracov to me... I was not even sure whether I do or do not want to go thr! it was merely yours decision not mine! so fckd up, so fckd up, I've never been so that I'm truely loosing myself n don't know wht to do, wht I want, loosing my identity for the sake of your good. For the record, I'm no good for that! So, could u please cease what ur trying t force me into?! but rreally, WHO CARES if it's thr or not?! [ju: d3ei] as the fck, hated BRAND! Yes, cos it's really became so. No surprise nor big news 'ere. Sry, to be so brutally honest 'ere but this is how it works, they operate on the basis of past success, they've rested on their laurels n thr's nothing more they feel like doing cos of their gained FAKE importance. So LAME. I don't believe, I've wrote tha'. The lamest I've ever heard of. U r wht u make urself! U r whn u speak out! NOT whn u feel, everybody's gonna chase after u cos of the coty u studied in. Let's face the truth: it's a myth that a mass of people want to cultivate, to sustain, to keep DELUDING themselves by! That is it's all about. I quit, subsequently I do bare the Crc to its barest constituents, for it's nothing else but a heap of legends, urban myths, hear says n stuff alike.

Sorrow.

Makes one's desires urgent; t'd [tii ejcz +voice] woerst...

Exocentric at its best- my train o'thoughts fears my commonplace book. What is it that pre belief of the flotsam n jetsam of the society concerning the hows, dos n donts the educated ones should, or rather, are oblidged to be like n how to behave which the former are inseparatably occupied with? In my premeditated stand it is all what they [those referred to as the former, as mentioned earlier] look up to, leaving it, at the same time, for the uppers [ppl with higher [mind] positions], 'cos it's of greater ease for 'em to do so. As far as the cream of the country's intelligentsia, only in an exclusive circle can they be themselves as those are the people they've formed their tastes with. The point of having a title is way different thn the ill-visioned one in the minds of the lesser. Why is thr a common belief, whr dd it originate, that educated ppl should not use curse words? The more inteligence wealthy r more prerequisited n entitled to utter them, for they do it with a reason, for particular reasons, which have been preceded by thorough meditation. In the case of people abundand in intangible goods the use is much more justified thn it is with the less well-off rest.Unlike the ever-under-graduate ones who do it without a resaon, on regular, overdose-like basis, often replacing content words of mild, society-neutral register with the unwelcomed ones! So now, suppose, I violated the expectations FOR THE SAKE of being MYSELF?!

What has to n will be.

Although it is anything terrible or dramatic, it nonetheless causes enormous layers of stress. Is it worth mentioning here anyway? So awful as it is, this issue should neither be mentioned nor brought up... Still, much as independent and full of motivation I view myself, as often as this matter is brought to daylight it concerns me, deprives [me] of self-confidence, makes feel lost... At least it's nothing what would last indefinitely n it is kind of a situation which one feels so much relieved when it's finally over. One feels like the ruler of the world whn the outcomes equal the most daring expectations.

nwntd, npctd, nntd, htd, dspsd

That was awful, it felt like the former me; bck to the complete basics; so awkward, every moment n maneouvre so stiff, wooden, 'itching', lack of self-confidendce; recallin the strict resolution not to do it again; save it f0r the future; do not try any snowballs. p.s. I have lust for watching a tv series or a movie to the least. end o'p.s. I feel like I was on rehab [Such, a cravin [cos not an appetite it is] for fare I have never struggled with before]; I felt my fingers tingle \; n, yes! thr was some thought undefined, unverbalised [herbalised/r], unscribed n it wuss sth brilliant to the hilt! but recovered as it is frm the faint faint, fleetin feelin left after it is its sole form t'day. like a veil [round it], a cloudy wisp of a smokey mood, of a clever thought. so [strikingly] obvious was it that I could hardly remember it. It's 01.22 n it feels bck to normal activity. Time of administration ca. 22:50~23.