Hot Child In The City.

Yeah right. So it might be that we may meet from time to time, the span being a few months at the least given his reflex. We would sit on a bench in a park or, otherwise, stroll somewhere nice and suberby. It will be like I all clad in some voguish outfit, perfect silhouette, fantastically smelling, high-heeled and him. Haha, wonder why the sentence part after "and" is so ridiculously short? It is because he is so all to the contrary. To be more precise, he will have not cared about what he's wearing, all scruffy, of rather vague, nondescript and, alas, uninviting and manrepelling odour. Nah, it's not to make you change anything about it, kid, since your case is one of those when one of the critical periods in a human's lifetime has gone wrong, or, to put it simpler, has not been made any use of. Anyway, as we'll be strolling or whatever, the guys will customarily look at me and wonder what such a girl is doing with such a boy! The denotations of "such" here having opposite meanings, of course. Then, I may tease him, I may play with him a bit, however, I will not go farther than that due to the fact that he is incapable of getting a hard-on. Maybe, in a flash of awareness of the reality happening around him, it will manifest itself to him that the person sitting next to him is a hot child in the city whom he had within his grasp, whom he had exclusive rights to, nevertheless, he did not make anything of that chance... Imagine that knowing smile on my face right now.

On Happiness.

The best ideas come at brisk. It was Saturday and it was something inherently promising to be a fine day. Intimately sanguine. Maybe it was due to some distant memories which, I can't account for the how, emerged from the database of mine, contributing to viewing myself in a different light. Back to basics, one could say. It genuinely felt good to be in my skin. Perhaps the things which make me happy throughout the day [night including] may seem trivial to some. Nevertheless, it is the me who is under consideration here and hence no opinion of others is necessary. It follows then that in case with such subjective a matter, the joy generator may be of any sort one wishes it to be. Maybe it was due to my dreams. Tonight I dreamt about Word solution to meaning relation. Maybe it was due to my future plans, those concerning the O. to be precise. As I envisaged almost everything in my head, it felt nothing short of going or being there already. The reason explaining such state of facts can be attributed to my modus operandi - given I planed something, I'm hell bent on executing it, ergo it is so going to happen.

Low Key.

Every day I see you looking in... I was the smoothest thing to touch your skin. You're longing to be loved but you're alone and your longing makes you shiver to the bone... And you've failed in everything that comes to mind.

Cognitive Science.

Once in a house on a hill a boy broke into my heart. For a day and a night I stayed beside him until I had no hope. So I came down the hill. Of course I was hurt, but then I started to think that it shouldn't hurt me to be free cos it's what I really need to pull myself together. And it really does feel good to be free as there are so many things I can do.


And the trains were exceptionally talkative yesterday evening. 


What are you doing here? Is your intention to spy on my thoughts? Away, away from here, this is my piece of the net!


It is, in my view, the first case known when somebody was involved with an idea more than with another person. People [those who got to know you] say that you are strange and asocial, of abnormal practices and behavior. I used to be of a position that they exaggerate and show no willingness to get to know you really well. Now I see their point. Clearly. Even clearer and more distinctly than they do since I had the ill luck to know you closer hence better. You are an outcast and let the intention and aim of this epithet remain concealed as I do not intend to offend you and I do know that it would be more of a complement to you than a bad word.


Do you want to peek into my thoughts, simultaneously cultivating your mental representation of me? Watch, monitor my progress and evolution? Perhaps, I really do need to slow down a bit to recover peace of mind. To be more precise, I now need to soothe ruffled waters after this quasi-relationship I was in. Further, I shall also improve my mirror neurons associated skills to read others' minds perfectly.

Or maybe you need somebody to state your position, enunciate that you are on a crucial mission/crusade that you are doing something of great importance. Alright then, I hear you stutter. Who will you share these thoughts with when I'm not around? Since I was the only living soul patient enough to listen to 'em blasphemies, I wonder. What do you say? The internet? Will the virtuale ever be able to replace real human contact and perception? There were many a maneuvers at the train siding that evening. Heavy stuff being moved. 

Being outside of the whole shebang, it occurs to me that you have digged yourself into something of an unorganized sect, roughly speaking. It seems to me that you have lost yourself in something that nobody knows exists [cos it may as well not] and believes into. Except for an exclusive group of psychos-alike on the net. I feel inclined to think that you have also lost your critical thinking, lost in your calculations that the truth is to be found on the net. It is like a sophisticated game which you decided to pull your whole stake on.

The question why does somebody reject a person s/he loves [with reciprocation], shares great time together, dubs his/her soul mate, etc., etc., remains a great mis[t]ery.

[ai] need to get back to my past practices, I am such a great person after all!

Wind, take[s] it all away.

...so I went to the orthodox church to hear them pray, to find some peace [of mind and othere matters], to think, to find a solution [?]. I walked out after some time. To the street. A busy Cracovian street it was. The wind blew strongly. It was exceptionally hot there though, the first time this year, I guess. I felt like I was invisible, walking slowly, unnoticeably, people passing me by, rushing to run their errands although it was already 5pm on the clock. I felt kind of light, kind of heavy as I still have the presentation pending, but nevertheless, it felt very exhilarating to walk 5 times slower than the tempo of an average street walker. I went to a shop as I noticed a Middle-Eastian carpet hung on the outside of a shop. It was magic. Magical caprets including. And pillows. And silk blouses. There was also a woman with a child girl, the shop owner, presumably. As I entered she was just asking the girl vocabulary of some exotic language. Colors precisely. The girl answered correctly.
I have to say, there really is something with the train[s]. I mean, when I was leaving to uni, there was not a spare space for a single carriage. When came back and left again there was not a single carriage on the right side... Given that the left could be female side and the right could be male side, it all instantly fell into place, everything was clear to me.
The wind. It is kind of windy to say the least. It whistles so soothingly. One can think without strain, the wind carries the thoughts and takes them [right] all away. I hope, it will heal my mental spaces too.

Hello, Big City.

So. What now [?]. Thank god and I think I'll simply stick to what I'm best at. What should I do with us? Fuck it all cos I'll be busy getting laid? "Behave like we would after considering our positions and expectations till the time we meet." Nevertheless, there has not been any precise date settled. When will it be, nobody knows since you are so not the one who will guess that it's a task to be done on your part... What a shame. How was it when you were alone? Did it feel better? The wrong person. The wrong person. This is how it is when you fall in love with the wrong person. Maybe you can't. Maybe you are not able to. Maybe you are too lazy and too comfortable with old customs so that you are not all that willing to change yourself. Have you ever been to O. alone? In this case "you" refers to me. So, have I ever been to O. alone? Not yet. I believe, it will be a great, great experience.

On Remorse [or rather the lack thereof].

I dreamt of a cat clutched to my ear. A positive omen says the dream book. I dreamt, or was haunted by [when considered in terms of "again"], 3 infidelities. They felt so marvelously good. They were all my friends. All male. All well-equipped. It felt awesome to be so promiscuous... I-dont-care-about-anything mode continues. I am stiff bored and tired of these solitude games. I feel so aroused lately [owing to the obvious, nevertheless, it does not change the fact that I am and... it feels good. only that I had an outlet to free my roaring emotions...]. And what now? My silk blouse smells like him. No remorse. The magical feature of words to convey senses. Implicitly. There are no words to describe it. There were many thoughts amassing in my head. There were many a introductions to this post as I was wondering how to embark on some issues. The ridiculous anarcho-libero-demo-god-knows-what-else missions of yours. And you are so hell bent on them it calls for admiration. The last living soul has just ceased to be who she used to be. The last living soul has just abandoned the last bastion of cajolery abandoned.

All Alone and Happy.

Besides old age, the hyper [mania] phase started to set in. I went to sleep at midnight and woke up well-rested around 6 hours later. Even less than that. And all this despite the dreariness of weather outside. I do not feel the  outside to influence me. To listen to the second Polish Radio Programme was a morning bliss. I thought I just want to go to O, to embark on the journey which in itself is so exhilarating and refreshing. Everything in its right place, one could say. A nothing-brings-me-down attitude it was that I boasted since the early morning. Perhaps, I might even go attend the milk mass in the orthodox church?

Hide Your Tears Cos We're in Heaven.

BAD dreams haunting [me] at night. Coming true the very day after. Liquid, tranquil music calming [me] during the day. It's time to go. Time to move on. Why, should I ask, provided everything on this hemisphere suppresses one from spreading the wings? Work, work till u die. Die for corpo. Not of choice even. What about the wilderness, what about the natural inclinations?

I was travelling numb and petrified. I did not know what I was doing was a decision made under rational premises. I did not know whether it was made under emotional reasons either. Just like I said - numb. Looking through the window, not knowing whether what I do was right or maybe less than that. A longing to home town. Longing to that sunny, serene May week spent at home. Homesickness, you might call it. The fact that I have left what I love behind me and rushed to something what I merely like but have to do as a duty left me with no positive feelings or thoughts. A certain crossroads I have found myself on. Its kind being ironic and merciless.

Distant Lights.

It really does feel sad when I look at the scrap of paper I doodled with plans for the week off. I remember doing this when I was on the train to G. When it comes to returns, this time my longing will not revolve around the "I-was-too-long-at-home-hence-I'm-homesick-leaving-it" theme but "I-want-to-be where-he-is" interwoven with "we-have-spent-so-much[-great]-time-together-I-can't-even-get-back-to-mundanity-of life" kind of thing. As usual in such state of affairs, there are, thanks gods, things thanks to which I can survive and live through the hard times. These are: my bike ^^, my roommate [hell yeah! I'm bringing some sweets for her] and I could also add late evening chats with my friends from all around the world which also help keep me going. So much for now.

After this week at home, there certainly is one thing I have realized while staying here: I love being here, the kind of atmosphere, so quiet that man could not wish for anything better. I do not love, however, when the other three inhabitants are in here. Well, ok, I could be ok with my mum, that's for granted, but the men. No comments. This place would be so much better when it comes to good vibes provided it was deprived of these kind... Really.

It's time to go now. Time to get back to what has been once started. It should not be that bad though. It will be just hard to settle in once again. To re-set the mindset. Lots of gorgeous food should do though. Plus the awareness of a possibility to go there when I whim so.

You Are God.

"N from Tuesday, it's gonna be Cracov again" a sweet stranger has told me once. He was right. The minute I came back home n plugged in the metaweb I found one invite for an open lecture, another prop for a research and quite a few other things of that sort. That sort which makes me grow distant from you, physically and mentally. Psychologically am I going further away from you due to the noise and the amount of my RAM which is ransacked from me when all these things like duties, errands n other are on my mind. On first reading it may not sound so good owing to certain rather obvious conclusions arising from such state. On the next, it may be perceived as a means to survive, however. Man has to behave himself, otherwise all is prone to be lost.

I presume, this post will amount to a kind of a confession, an externalization in order to go through. I surmise, already in the minute I will start packing for Cracov, I will be doing it all automatically, in a manner deprived of any feelings, numb as never, or, as I always tend to be in such moments. Firewalls strengthened. Reinforced. U ask me of god[s]. I tell u it's the primitive [meaning "the very first'] psychology; that I have no external aids cos I simply proud myself not to need any. Then, this is one way to get away with such talking. Maybe u'll call that hypocrisy, call me an extremist hypocrite. I did not recall it back on yesterday.

It's all so quiet. serene. Today, I didn't want to talk. My mind did not go looking for an array of gripping, cutting edge, state of the art, swanky topics I could boast with. I just wanted to be, feel, experience you. And for the worst part, it was when I realized, when I became aware of the distance we are about to share for the next week or so, or more. No one really knows. Nostalgic. This is all I know for now. I will not externalize myself to you although I might probably wish to. I will not, however, for the sake of private security.

There are movies. There is music. There are different, not-drug-induced states of mind. The things you gave me that I cherish and worship. I could say "been there done that" as it feels as if I was leaving for, e.g., Poland while you would stay in some other country. Been there done that and it sucked but still the question remains "is it the way we have been constructed to live the to the fullest?". Further, would we be as happy and ecstatic as we are now under other conditions? Is time the enemy or ally? I miss your touch. I miss your smell. I miss your personae. You know everything now. You can as well kill me. Manhandle me. I shall quit for now. ...

Bold.

I knew it would eventually happen.

Crazy dancing on a pole. Half-naked. Music pounding from each cubic meter of the surroundings.

Coffee and sausage.

Do not put the blame on me. I could as well [and more skilfully still] do the same to you. Only difference: you wouldn't even notice tha'.

You know I like it n it drives you insane. That I am mingling with him.

Machinist. Cheese maker. Pole dancer.

oh, my god.

"What r u doang?"

"I was busy makin love to my ex."

oh, btw. I found the postcard I told u about, the one which depicts my grand-grandfather's restaurant. the inscription on it says it was in the city of b - breslau. no, I do not feel any remorse; why should I, should I, why do u ask? it feels strange for me. there r so many stories to tell. oh, n I was busy spending time, devotin it to myself; I have almost forgotten how great it feels, oh gods. I biked there, to buy a ticket, actually, but then, instead of goin back, I sat there n watched them people pass me by. 't was so tranquil, quiet, translucent like. u know, thee is the time when the spring is in its full blown; everyone seems to enjoy this at first. initially, everyone is also very appreciative of it and the kind of a "potential" which spring creates is very hard to grasp since everyone wants to make the most of it and seize as much as they can. but then, there comes the time when it kinda slips their attention and they do not care about or mind it any more. then this "potential" of a certain kind accumulates in the [disclaimer: it's only a matter of time, I think] surroundings and there's so much of it that one lucky entity can soak with it to the bone, to the very marrow. it's all left for those who did not forget about its being while the rest passes by indifferently. it would have been so easy; too easy-peasy maybe like. since u never ask. I can't wipe off that smile of my face right now...