You Are God.

"N from Tuesday, it's gonna be Cracov again" a sweet stranger has told me once. He was right. The minute I came back home n plugged in the metaweb I found one invite for an open lecture, another prop for a research and quite a few other things of that sort. That sort which makes me grow distant from you, physically and mentally. Psychologically am I going further away from you due to the noise and the amount of my RAM which is ransacked from me when all these things like duties, errands n other are on my mind. On first reading it may not sound so good owing to certain rather obvious conclusions arising from such state. On the next, it may be perceived as a means to survive, however. Man has to behave himself, otherwise all is prone to be lost.

I presume, this post will amount to a kind of a confession, an externalization in order to go through. I surmise, already in the minute I will start packing for Cracov, I will be doing it all automatically, in a manner deprived of any feelings, numb as never, or, as I always tend to be in such moments. Firewalls strengthened. Reinforced. U ask me of god[s]. I tell u it's the primitive [meaning "the very first'] psychology; that I have no external aids cos I simply proud myself not to need any. Then, this is one way to get away with such talking. Maybe u'll call that hypocrisy, call me an extremist hypocrite. I did not recall it back on yesterday.

It's all so quiet. serene. Today, I didn't want to talk. My mind did not go looking for an array of gripping, cutting edge, state of the art, swanky topics I could boast with. I just wanted to be, feel, experience you. And for the worst part, it was when I realized, when I became aware of the distance we are about to share for the next week or so, or more. No one really knows. Nostalgic. This is all I know for now. I will not externalize myself to you although I might probably wish to. I will not, however, for the sake of private security.

There are movies. There is music. There are different, not-drug-induced states of mind. The things you gave me that I cherish and worship. I could say "been there done that" as it feels as if I was leaving for, e.g., Poland while you would stay in some other country. Been there done that and it sucked but still the question remains "is it the way we have been constructed to live the to the fullest?". Further, would we be as happy and ecstatic as we are now under other conditions? Is time the enemy or ally? I miss your touch. I miss your smell. I miss your personae. You know everything now. You can as well kill me. Manhandle me. I shall quit for now. ...