This here, is a monologue to you. At first, I thought, ut would be too lame and shameful to expose myself innerly like that. But then, I kind of realized that I have to externalize them thoughts wandering in my head so as to make space for the new data, to be more precise, writing MA. Besides, I came across Wittgenstein's letters and after that encounter the decision has been made even easier. So I write. Since I am convinced this is the right way to go owing to the fact that it does not disturb you in a direct manner nor does it make obligatory for you to reply. It is my piece of the internet, after all. As you probably might already know, I would like to be Mr Wittgenstein; you make me feel even weirder [or maybe that's just me entering the hype stage of my personal Bipolar Disorder], contributing to an increase of this want. You know, the thing is that I never wanted to get attached to somebody; never wanted to grow emotionally-dependent on somebody [since that would be contradictory to my great personal-independence-plan]; always built fences around me so as not to let anybody in. I have told you that when we were lying in your bed in the attic, " we'll be so fucked up when the academic year starts". I meant the both of us. Surprisingly, that went exceptionally well at first; no emotional disturbances or defficiencies occured. Not for long did this idyllic state last. Then, in the most of rational of atmospheres, we parted [fuck the rationale]. The consequences [of it] till that time have remained unknown for me. Only after that took place, did I discover my great tele-dependence on your person. The psychological support was a great thing [quantitatively as well as qualitatively], I can state this now with utmost earnestness. It had also the majority stake in my ability to get in the "flow" mood. The more unconsciously you fall into it [the psycho-emotional dependence], the more sever the consequences of disconnection are. I do not know how you are feeling in yourself, I could never know. To me, this entire thing appears as fate's great revenge on my vicious and vain self. Yet another lesson? To me, there is only one way in which I interpret your behaviour: that you employ all sorts of fancy manipulative techniques so as to destroy me [innerly]. I simply cannot imagine that after having done such a thing as breaking up with somebody, the "patient" [i.e. you] does not want a revenge and all things bad happen to the one who caused it [i.e. me]. Also, I really doubt that you would be willing to spare the time of yours on reading all these moanings of mine, therefore I decided to put them here in order to purify my mind a bit. I never wished to suggest or intrude myself. Because, you see, I really connected with you finally and soon after I had to make this altruistic decision to let you go [it genuinely captures my thought]. Fuck altruism, you know? It would not be much of a surprise to me, if this turned out to be the firrst time when I really thought about the good of somebody else than myself. Consequently, it makes me want to become even more bitchy and care-less about others if I am to suffer tlike that afterwards. I don't need this to happen to me. I also do not want to post messages on your fb wall because I care to make no public drama of myself and this whole shebang. Not my style, definitely. Btw. did you know that Wittgenstein lived in Norway precisely for some time? What's in these Scandinavian outer lands that make them so appealing to such mental-psychos as us [incl. Wittgenstein, ofc]. You know what is the recipe [of mine] for recovering from such a pitiful state? Immerse yourself in work. In this case [of ours], however, it comes much harder than in other similar instances. I think I do not have to mention that it makes the state even more fucked up. One more thought which hac occured to me tight now: I did not care to fuck with you; I fucked with your mind. There is also one more thing I have realized. I will not lay it down here, however. Mind you, I have not written this so as to entice you, but for other resaons, namely, it is not something to be revealed in these online environs which are not suitable for this kind of news. Oh, and I just realized that what am doing right now is actually psychoterapy via the net, the psychotherapist being me. Trying to recover, you know. Perhaps, in a few weeks time [ideally] I will be embarassed of this post viewed in the light of my independent self. Still, it will be a proof that the therapy has worked. I surmise, in the long run, you will have scored a nice girl by your side and succeded in what you are so hellbent on. Maybe, you will have eben grown more optimistic on your face [meaning, not so dreamy-like as you are to-day]. I, on the contrary, will have taken over you role to some degree - I will grow bitter and lonier with each day, not allowing myself to think that you care about me as much as you claim to care. Every time I see Schopenhauer [now Wittgenstein too] and Nietzche placed to each other I think of them as me and you. I wonder whether that Nietzchean girl will prove herself to be the right one for you. And yes, to conclude, on the above picture it could not be anybody else but him.
Do you know that quale when you are on the verge of going insane? Yes, these are the moments when the most brilliant thoughts occur. This time my wish is to make an annoucement. It occured to me what the real reason for the parting was. As follows, I let you go because I was scared of telling you some things. Also, I was convinced [still am] that the time which would have lapsed till we made love for the first time would be too long for you to endure. Consequently, it would have been you who would break up with me - the greatest and traumatic fear ever for me. This whole concept appears now so easy from the perspecive of time but also so clear as never before [most probably because the phantom pressure is now off]. Further, I thought that in your mind too [in comparison with other young male minds] sex has to be performed as soon as two people enter a relationship. And because I need a time much longer than the norm has it, I have thus [wrongly, as you proved to me] imagined that everything you do inevitably leads to sex. Hence the pressure I felt on myself. Ultimately, because I am not ready now, I cannot give you what you want so much. So as not to keep you waiting in impatience I have made the decision to let you go and work it out on your own. As a matter of fact, the first reason for breaking up I gave you is not quite true [in contrast with the pregnancy one]. As I do not know how it really would be like with you. And since it was a conscious move thus the longing, thus the suffering and missing, for my inner incapabilities.
